Hogwarts Ramshackle
by purpleheart72
Summary: One evening, while bored, I decided to try talking to the characters I was writing about and they actually talked back! Here's what transpired in a very eventful conversation between myself, Hermione Granger, and Draco Malfoy...


**Author's Note: Here it is, the first of my Dramione-themed one-shots! It is Hogwarts series compliant for those of you who have followed my series and best to be read after _Redux _(or later, if you've already read them all :-).**

**However, this particular story was a bit of a departure from the style in which the series is written, so I feel compelled to explain it first... **

**One evening, during a bout of insomnia, I knocked off an entire box of Thin Mints (you know those chocolatey-minty heavenly Girl Scout cookies). Once the absurd amount of sugar that I ingested kicked in, my mind started working in a manner crazy enough to pull off the following.**

**The idea behind the story is that I am having an actual dialogue with my characters. I'm the one speaking in italics and as more people get involved, madness starts to ensue...WAH HA HA! (Keep in mind that the whole thing was written in a half hour and yes, I already know that I am not quite right in the noggin.) **

**So without further ado...**

HOGWARTS RAMSHACKLE

_All right, you two, I'm bored. Ready for another adventure? Hey, I'm talking to you…quit snogging and listen up._

"Draco…Draco, stop. This sounds important," Hermione gasped.

"Argh…who in the bloody hell would—" Draco looked around angrily; then stopped, his eyes narrowing. "Oh. _Purpleheart_," he said, irritated.

_Yep, it's me! :D_

"What _now?_ Can't you just let us be for a little while? Why don't you go run along and drink some coffee and watch some of that fellytision or whatever it is that you muggles do."

"Draco, that's not very nice."

"Hey, Granger, pardon me if I'm not exactly thrilled to see her, but I still haven't forgiven her for that whole 'purple head' thing she gave me for two bloody chapters in her last fic."

_And don't forget the afro in the fic before that one._

"You _had_ to go there, didn't you!"

_Wouldn't _you,_ if you were me?_

"Probably," Draco admitted.

_Okay, now that I have your attention, I've been toying with the idea of a kind of "Meet the Parents" type of fic—I just can't make up my mind whether I want to send you home with Hermione to meet her muggle parents or Hermione home with you to Malfoy Manor…or both. _

"I figured as much," Draco sighed in resignation. "But can I put in a request for a lot more snogging in that one?" he added as he laid a hand on Hermione's knee.

Hermione blushed self-consciously. "_Draco_," she said in a warning tone.

_I'll consider it._

"And no more making me look ridiculous," he added, shaking his hair out of his eyes.

_I don't know if I can promise that…it's far too enjoyable. _

Draco stood up, annoyed. "Look here, purple, I have got just one thing to say to you—"

WHEN HERMIONE GRANGER LEARNED THAT SHE WAS THE NEW HEAD GIRL, SHE WAS THRILLED…UNTIL SHE LEARNED THAT THE NEW HEAD BOY WAS NONE OTHER THAN DRACO MALFOY.

"Who the hell was that?" Draco asked warily.

_Damned if I know. It sure wasn't me. I'd eat my hat before I made _you_ Head Boy._

Hermione giggled.

"Hey, I could be Head Boy if I wanted," Draco protested.

"Draco, be serious…you don't even care about being a prefect."

SHE WAS EVEN MORE UPSET WHEN SHE LEARNED THAT SHE WOULD ALSO HAVE TO SHARE HER LIVING QUARTERS WITH THE NEW HEAD BOY…WHO HAPPENED TO BE NONE OTHER THAN DRACO MALFOY.

"There it is again! Who is that?" Hermione was perplexed.

_I don't know, but I'm going to find out…whoever it is, they're making me look bad. Excuse me; I'll be right back._

"That might not be such a bad idea you know," Draco whispered in her ear as he once again pulled Hermione in close.

"What?"

"Sharing living quarters…think of the possibilities," he leered at her.

"Draco! That's ridiculous—there are no co-ed dormitories at Hogwarts, and even if there _were_, I wouldn't…" she trailed off embarrassed. "Besides," she added, "I have no intention of becoming a cliché."

_Okay, I found out what's going on. I'm actually going to allow this "ghost writer" to take over for a little while. You know, put my feet up and enjoy the break and such._

"But who _is_ this person?" Hermione asked, concerned.

_Don't worry about it. I'll stick around in case it gets out of hand._

"Yeah, Granger, calm down. This could work out nicely. You know, trying new things and all that jazz you're always going on about."

Hermione glared at him. "I know why you're so enthused about this, Draco Malfoy…"

_Don't worry, Hermione—the stipulation is that the story has to be kept to a 15+ rating only._

"No Mature rating?" Draco asked.

_Nope._

"Damn."

At that, Hermione relaxed. "All right, as long as you promise to stick around, just in case…"

_I will. I don't want to miss this._

"Why is that?" Draco asked, his eyes narrowing in suspicion.

_Hey Malfoy, try new things, right?_

"Mmph," he muttered.

_Now if you'll just excuse me, I'm going to give the floor to our new friend here._

"Bye, purpleheart," Hermione said with a reluctant wave.

WHEN HERMIONE ENCOUNTERED MALFOY IN THEIR SHARED COMMON ROOM FOR THE FIRST TIME, SHE WAS SURPRISED TO FIND HIM READING A MUGGLE BOOK, WHICH IMMEDIATELY SHOWED HER THAT HE HAD CHANGED AND WAS OBVIOUSLY A MUCH MORE SENSITIVE BOY THAN SHE HAD THOUGHT.

"Oh? And just what am I supposed to be reading?" Draco demanded.

"Sssh—just do what he says!"

HERMIONE SAT ACROSS FROM HIM ON THE COUCH. "Hello Draco," SHE SAID IN WHAT SHE HOPED WAS A FRIENDLY, INVITING TONE.

"Why, hello, Hermione. My, you've changed, with your newly silky hair and wonderfully developed figure. How are you…wait a minute, I do _not_ talk like that! I sound like a Nancy-boy!"

JUST DO WHAT YOU'RE TOLD…I'M IN CHARGE NOW.

"Hold on…I want to talk to purpleheart for a minute."

_Sorry Malfoy, you agreed to this. You made your bed, now you have to lie in it. For a little while, at least._

SEE? NOW GET BACK ON THAT COUCH.

"All right, all right, " Draco grumbled. _"Fine."_

"Uh…excuse me, sir? Why is my hair all different and my uniform has just gotten very tight and the skirt also seems to have shrunk…"

"Hey, yeah…" Draco said, lighting up with enthusiasm. "I guess I can stand this a little while longer."

"Draco!"

"Aw, come on Granger, live a little."

IF YOU TWO DON'T MIND, I'M ON A ROLL HERE. I'D LIKE TO CONTINUE.

"Oh, yes. Sorry," Hermione bit her lip.

HERMIONE TOOK THE BOOK OUT OF DRACO'S HAND AND LOOKED AT THE TITLE. "_Chicken Soup for the Wizarding Soul._ Why, Draco Malfoy, I had no idea you were so kind and sensitive," HERMIONE BREATHED AS SHE LOOKED AT DRACO MALFOY WITH NEW EYES. "What else is there about you that I don't know?"

"So many things, Hermione. So many things. I'm so glad that we finally have the opportunity to get to know each other better and possibly become friends," DRACO SAID HOPEFULLY. "And possibly even 'friends with benefits'."

HEY, THAT LAST LINE WASN'T MINE.

"I know, but you're having me say stuff I wouldn't be caught dead saying. I was just adding a little more credibility to your story," Draco quipped.

YOU'RE NOT THE WRITER, HERE—YOU'RE THE CHARACTER. NOW QUIT IT AND DO YOUR JOB AND LET ME DO MINE.

"Draco," Hermione pleaded. She stood up and laid a hand on his shoulder. Draco took one look at her in her newly shortened skirt and let out a breath. "All right," he grumbled once again and plopped down onto the couch.

DRACO TOOK HER HANDS IN HIS AND GAZED IN TO HER EYES. "Hermione," HE SAID EARNESTLY, "I am _so_ glad that you're Head Girl. You have been on my mind since that special moment we had back in third year when you slapped me across the face."

HERMIONE TOSSED HER SILKY HAIR OVER HER SHOULDER AND SMILED ALLURINGLY BACK AT HIM. "I see that I must have knocked some sense into you. And I'm glad that you're Head Boy, Draco. I can't wait to see how much we have in common…why am I wearing high heels?"

"Granger, if I have to talk like a bloody greeting card then you can wear some high heels, okay?" Draco piped up.

"But they're not regulation uniform!"

"And that's a damn shame," Draco said, eyeing her legs. He looked up. "Nice job," he complimented.

THANKS.

"Where is purpleheart?" Hermione asked, exasperated.

_I'm right here, Hermione._

"Can't you take over now?"

HEY! YOU SAID I COULD HAVE AT LEAST ONE CHAPTER.

_That's true; I did._

"See, Granger? You can hold out for at least one chapter, right?"

"Draco Malfoy, you are such a hypocrite! If I wasn't wearing this ridiculous getup, you wouldn't want any part of this 'ghost writer'!"

_Guys, give him a chance…I am finding this quite entertaining._

"Yeah…so am I," Draco added, with another glance at Hermione's skirt.

Hermione closed her eyes in frustration and let out a slow breath.

BACK ON THE COUCH, YOU TWO.

Hermione and Draco sat back down on the couch.

OKAY…NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE GOOD STUFF.

"Oh no," Hermione moaned.

"Oh yes," Draco smirked.

_Oh, goody. Do go on._

DRACO LAID A HAND GENTLY ON HER CHEEK.

"Draco!" Hermione exclaimed.

NOT _THAT_ CHEEK, MALFOY—I MEANT THE ONE ON HER FACE!

"Hey, honest mistake," Draco said with a mischievous grin.

_Sure it was._

_ANYWAY…_DRACO LAID A HAND GENTLY _ON HER FACE_ AND LOOKED AT HER ADORINGLY.

"Nice bum, Granger."

"_Draco…"_ Hermione was mortified.

QUIET. STICK TO YOUR LINES. HE LOOKED AT HER ADORINGLY AND SAID, "What can I do to show you that I've truly turned over a new leaf so you can see me for the kind and sensitive person that I really am?"

"Draco," SHE ANSWERED, "There's only _one_ thing you can do for me."

"Anything, Darling," HE PROMISED. "This had better involve Granger in some sort of harem girl get-up or something," Draco griped, "because talking like this is making me sick to my stomach."

CAN IT. THERE…HAPPY, MALFOY?

Hermione's Gryffindor tie was gone and the top two buttons of her shirt were now unbuttoned. Hermione gasped.

"Hey, yeah…I like the way you think, ghostie."

"Well, I don't!" Hermione protested.

_Neither do I. I think this story is a little too one-sided in terms of altering appearances. Hermione looks like she's going to pose for a Victoria's Secret catalogue, and the only thing you've done to Malfoy is dress him all in black._

I WAS JUST GETTING TO THAT, BELIEVE ME.

Hermione smiled, relieved. "Thanks, purpleheart."

_Anytime._

HERMIONE HELD HIS HANDS TIGHTLY IN HERS. "Oh, Draco, if you truly want to show me how you've changed, then you must dance for me."

"_What?_ What in the bloody hell? You want me to…"

_Oh, I have SO got to see this. What kind of dance?_

I WAS THINKING OF SOMETHING INTERPRETIVE, LIKE HAVING HIM PRETEND THAT HE'S A BLOOMING FLOWER OR A BABBLING BROOK OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. YOU KNOW, TO IMPRESS HER WITH HIS SENSITIVITY.

"Over my dead body! Merlin's balls! This is insane…"

Hermione broke into a fit of giggles. "I like the way you think, ghostie," she managed.

OH, YEAH…AND I FORGOT…

Draco Malfoy was now shirtless, wearing nothing but a pair of purple satin pants and a crown of oak leaves. "Dammit! I am _not_ going to stand for this!" He tried to rip the crown of oak leaves off of his head but it wouldn't budge.

_Oh, that's just beautiful. And the purple satin pants are a great touch._

I THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE THAT.

_If you weren't so busy, I'd have you take over for me from now on._

Hermione looked up sharply. "So busy?" she mused. "Hmm…I wonder…"

Draco was busy inventing new swear words so he hadn't even noticed her private reverie.

"Excuse me for a moment; I'll be right back." In the midst of the commotion, Hermione slipped away unnoticed.

SO, DO YOU WANT HIM TO DO THE BLOOMING FLOWER OR THE BABBLING BROOK?

_Either one would be fine with me…as long as there's plenty of flourishes and maybe some jazz-hands or spirit-fingers at the big finish._

OF COURSE. WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?

"Bugger me! Get me out of this cockamamie get-up _right now _or I'll—"

OR YOU'LL _WHAT?_

_Remember, Malfoy, you_ did _sign up for this._

"Dammit!"

OKAY, MALFOY, WE'RE GOING TO START YOU OUT IN A HALF-KNEEL…AND DON'T FORGET TO SMILE!

"Ouch!"

THAT'S BETTER. NOW-A-ONE, AND-A-TWO AND-A—

"Harry James Potter!" Hermione cried.

UH OH.

_How did you manage to get up here, Hermione?_

"I have my ways," Hermione said. "And I _thought_ I recognized you, Harry! As soon as you started going on about having Draco dance," she declared triumphantly.

BLAST.

"_Potter,"_ Draco spat, "when I get my hands on you, you're going to have to check in to St. Mungo's just so you'll be able to remember what your own name is."

_Now, now, Malfoy, where's your sense of adventure? You know, try new things…_

"Not funny, purpleheart! You knew it was Potter all along and that he was going to have a bloody field day up there!"

"That _is_ a great get-up you're wearing though, Draco," Hermione interjected. "But I don't know why you had to do _this_ to me, Harry!"

HEY, IT WAS A ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY…I COULDN'T RESIST.

"Harry!" Indignant, Hermione began to search for her wand, but to no avail. However, in her zeal she accidentally almost shut down the computer.

_Hey, watch it. You're not even supposed to be up here._

ER…I THINK I'M NEEDED BACK AT THE MINISTRY. IF YOU'LL JUST EXCUSE ME…

"Did that prat just Disapparate?" Draco called out.

"Yes!"

"That figures. Well, Scarhead, you can run, but you can't hide! I'll pay you back for this sooner or later."

"Why did you let him up here in the first place, purpleheart?" Hermione asked.

_Come on, Hermione. I can't believe you even had to ask that. Who doesn't have a soft spot for Harry Potter?_

"Me," Draco insisted.

_Shut up, Malfoy. You don't count. _

"Yeah, whatever. Now can you get me out of this ludicrous get-up? You've had your fun!"

"Me too," Hermione added, attempting to button up the top of her shirt with non-existent buttons.

_I can do it, but you'll have to get back down there with Malfoy where you belong, first._

"Oh. Okay," Hermione acquiesced.

"Welcome back, Granger. Hey, purpleheart…it wouldn't be such a bad thing to keep her in that get-up just a little while longer, you know."

"Draco!"

_Well, if she stays in that outfit, then you'll have to stay in yours. And I definitely wouldn't mind seeing _that_ for a little while longer._

Draco scowled. "I was afraid of that." He let out a huge sigh. "Then you might as well clean up this mess."

_That's what I thought._

"Oh, thank Merlin. I was afraid that I might end up catching a cold from wearing such skimpy clothing."

"I'd have kept you warm, Granger." Draco said with a suggestive leer.

_Okay, Malfoy, have you learned your lesson now? You may not like my occasional purple head gag, but I least I keep you sounding like yourself and don't try to turn you into the Lord of the Dance._

"Yeah, yeah…I know," Draco muttered.

"Thanks, purpleheart," Hermione added gratefully.

_Anytime. Now why don't you two run along and go snog or whatever. I think you've suffered enough for the day. I'll catch you later._

"All right, finally!" Draco exclaimed, then mumbled, "Thanks." He grabbed Hermione's hand and pulled her along behind him towards a secluded alcove.

Hermione was giggling as she followed along. "Hee hee…Draco…she managed to stick a 'KICK ME' sign on your back…"

THE END


End file.
